Why fixing your flaws destroys your greatness
I am a pocket-sized b-word, according to this online quiz I took once.
I always worry if I’m a b-word. In truth, at various times in my life I’ve alternated between being a doormat and flaunting my Jersey-girl roots. (Jersey girls, if you don’t know, have a reputation for being a little, ahem, crazy.)
Some people tell me I’m just so nice — and haven’t meant that in a nice way — but then a girl I once worked with told me I’d be a good airline stewardess because I have that b-side to be. Whatever that means.
Some of this, I have no doubt, comes from being a woman. When a woman is firm, she’s seen as aggressive. Yet when a man is firm, he’s, well, firm.
In this online spiritual world, there’s so much quackery going on with people only showing their polished, peaceful sides that some people mistakenly think that just because you’re spiritual or write a blog, you om the day away.
I mention this because while most of my online interactions are super pleasurable, I did have a not-so-pleasurable one the other day, and I served back an authentic reply that the recipient considered “aggressive.”
Now I know your true colors!, she said. Or something like that.
First, I will say that just because someone perceives aggression does not actually mean it’s there.
When I’m firm, even my husband will sometimes say, Why are you so angry?, and I’m actually not angry — until people make weird comments like that — but only passionate. Firm in my beliefs. And maybe a little high strung.
It’s just so weird that people except me to be Mother Theresa.
I have never, ever given the impression that I’m perfect. Far from that — I’m dedicated to showing every single side of me.
And along my journey, at different times, I have been soft, angry, street-wise, innocent and everything in between. Each phase of our lives brings out a different part of us. And that’s okay.
For example, I started this year feeling so good and flowy and juicy. Doing yoga every day, cooking yummy meals, taking lots of time off. It was heavenly. That’s the more feminine energy.
But in the past maybe six weeks, life has required a more masculine energy. I’ve been in push, push push launch mode, but that’s what this phase of my life requires.
Balance does not happen over a single day, but over a long period of time. Balance comes from constantly assessing how we’re feeling and making adjustments though shifting habits, or understanding that this season of life is a little out of balance. And that’s okay.
I no longer judge myself for falling out of balance, but instead work to honor the shifting rhythms of my life.
But the deeper meaning of this note is this idea of flaws, to rethink them.
To understand that flaws are simply the other side of our greatest gifts.
Everything in life is duality. Day gives way to night. Hot gives way to cold.
Our strengths are things within us that are technically out of balance. They stick out in a positive way. This shadow side to this is that they create so-called flaws.
For example, I’m a massive introvert who thinks too much. I could get lost forever in my head and need a lot of help leaving it. I could go for days, maybe weeks if I had enough food, without leaving the house. Theoretically, I love adventure, but these days I’m much happier stuck in my head thinking about how to create a legacy.
But that’s why I write such beautiful blogs that resonate with so many. (So I’m working on being more confident. Hopefully that sounds okay.)
When I was younger, I resisted this introvert side to me. I believed it made me flawed, and that I was a loser if I didn’t have tons of friends. These were society’s ideals that I took on as my own, and judged myself for my natural inclinations.
My talents only solidified after accepting my so-called flaws. The things that make me different.
When we spend too much time sanding down our rough edges, we erase the very things that make us unique. The very things within us that we could harness for greatness.
And yes, I may be prickly or come off as aggressive sometimes, but that’s because I’m a survivor.
I am alive and creating this big movement because of the very character traits that one might consider flaws.
There are plenty of wonderful examples of motherly figures in this world, but I am not one of them. I am an example of a warrior. How to transform any challenge into your greatest opportunity. If that makes me prickly, so be it.
I’ve recently realized that these parts of me that I’m here to give to the world are not to be hidden, but rather are exactly what those who feel called to my work need in their lives to heal.
The more I embrace my flaws, the more I can show up in the world as exactly who I am and have an even bigger impact.
Me hiding me does you a disservice. Just like you hiding you — even your so-called flaws — does everyone around you a disservice.
Here’s the deal…
While it’s important to stay conscious of our so-called flaws and work to heal things that don’t serve us or that harm us or others, we must maintain a balance otherwise you risk turning yourself into a robot, someone so pleasant you never offend anyone but who is also utterly forgettable.
That’s not living, but slowly dying. It’s a waste of your precious life. You don’t exist to please others but only to live this life to your fullest potential.
Some people won’t like your truth. And that’s okay. Just because someone calls you weird or aggressive or annoying doesn’t mean you actually are. In fact, their perception is a projection of their own stuff and many times not rooted in reality.
Again, it’s good to stay aware and do some self-inquiry whether you disappointed yourself in your reactions, but above all, stay true to you. Just because you made someone mad doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
The more you can love your darkness, the more you can live your greatness.
We’ve got to allow ourselves to be who we are. Show up as best we can at every step of the journey. Know that our energy won’t vibe with everyone and that’s perfect because we’ll just enjoy stronger connections with those we do vibe with.
And keep swimming because it’s all okay.
Enjoy the week,
p.s. One of the main ways I’ve been able to love my darkness and build on my gifts is through meditation.
A lot of people wonder if they’re meditating wrong. Maybe you sit and your mind chatters the whole time, you don’t experience any benefit, so you give up before seeing the results that you want. Or maybe you work with guided audios and feel relaxed, but not truly connected with yourself. You wonder what the missing ingredient is.
I have a course you will love! It’s called The Magic of Meditation. It’s a 4-week journey of erasing the fears you’re mediating wrong so you can enjoy the peace of the practice. You will end it feeling confident in who you are and your ability to meditate, and overflowing in self-love!