Oh, the breadcrumb trail of life.
After my visions of going to Italy blew away like dust from day’s pasta flour, I sat with myself and suddenly became very, very tired, with a headache and the strong desire to sleep for years.
Yesterday I slept all day and for once in my life didn’t push myself to write or publish, hence why you received no blog bright and early this am!
(As a side note, I was going to stop writing daily after this 30-day experiment, but I am really enjoying it! I will continue to write often, although I will not hold myself to strict standards and want to release the expectation of daily because that feels a little heavy. I hope you are enjoying it too! I feel like it’s been good for tightening the community.)
Late in the day I stopped by the mailroom to pick up two packages, one of which was a book I’m VERY excited to dive into —
The Art of Extreme Self-Care. This is a very thin book that has a few pages devoted to each of 12 different topics, that’s designed to take you through an entire year of deep exploration, self-inquiry to ultimately create a life built around nourishing your soul and tending to your spirit.
I love that the author Cheryl Richardson is super successful and very authentic, so talks about self-care from the perspective of a woman who gets shit done.
Advanced shadow work training: Learn to release the root of anxiety and sadness.
She openly talks about the fact that she’s NOT perfect and at some points during her writing, she found herself cursing at her desk wondering why she was still there at 9 p.m.!
This openness is so rare today, in the sometimes toxic social media culture we live in, where life coaches post pristine, glowing, professionally taken images of themselves and feign absolute perfection, creating a standard that nobody can live up to, least of all the coaches themselves!
This is a rant for another day, something that’s been brewing in me for quite some time because it’s not healthy for the people in the industry, nor the people looking to mentors and coaches for guidance.
NOBODY is perfect, and I think it’s way more admirable to openly discuss our imperfections and struggles, from a place of empowerment of course, rather than pretend they didn’t exist. Where is the humanity in that?
The first chapter in the book is about deprivation. It offers questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling tired, depleted, resentful, or overwhelmed.
(I intend to post more about my journey in The Society of Spiritual Starlets, if you want to join! Maybe we can support each other in an informal way. I’m honestly a little nervous about staying on track because there’s not much material to work through. I love the slowness of the journey, one month per topic, but that also runs the risk of making it difficult to maintain momentum! Maybe we can create an informal chat and check in, and if a lot of people are interested, I’m happy to create additional resources around this. It’ll deepen my journey, too.)
Sitting with the word “deprivation,” I tuned in and created my own journaling prompt as I do (and that I’ll be sharing in The Starlets), and immediately hit this incredible nerve.
The words came pouring from my soul, as if they’d been waiting for eternity to be unlocked by this one question.
Deprived of love. Of affection. Of space to be me. I felt like there was always something wrong with me.
Too bookish, not social or extroverted enough. Just weird. Crazy. Send her to the psychiatrist. (I saw my first therapist in first grade.)
I always got excellent grades without even really trying, but felt like it was never recognized.
Not that my life growing up was horrible. I’m sure I was applauded for lots of things, but this is what I remember. This is how I feel. And there is truth in it because it’s how I feel.
Writing this in my journal, I felt so emotionally connected to what really drives me to work so hard and achieve so much, not that this drive is a bad thing.
I just want it to be balanced, to come from inspiration rather than a need to be recognized or applauded. Because when drive comes from a hunger for external things, it’s a ravenous, bottomless pit that can never be satisfied.
I want to feel good enough RIGHT NOW. For what I give to the world to be from overflow, inspiration and the pure desire for self-expression, rather than a psychotic compulsion to help others when what I really need to do is focus first on myself.
All for what? To prove that I’m good enough? That I have something valuable to give to the world?
I am worthy because I am. I am good enough because I’m here. I am a complex, exquisite piece of art, composed of both shadow and light because I am glorious. Fucking epically glorious. And so are you.
So this is all amazing, but it gets even better.
Because I am the master Googler, and because I often procrastinate on reading by surfing on the Internet for knowledge that’s contained right in front of me, I searched for the author’s website and happened to check out her events page.
And right there, on the page happening in November, is a glorious Hay House event. My dream publisher.
Become a Mover and a Shaker. Hosted by the self-care author Cheryl and Reid Tracy, Hay House CEO.
AND attendees can enter to win one of three spaces to be personally mentored by Reid and Cheryl, which I will of course win. Of course. I know it. It’s meant to be.
(And yes… it’s actually booked! I couldn’t have an Italy repeat, lol. Freaked out after booking because well… Is this the American Idol of the self-help industry? Am I just a crazy fool? I guess I don’t really care because it’s better to try and be disappointed rather than never try at all.)
I have a message and a story and I am here to impact millions. I know it.
The truth is, I’m not content (content in the moment yes, but always working toward a bigger dream) to be a cute little online blogger with a few thousand readers and clients.
I desire to go BIG. I desire to impact millions. Speak at and host workshops around the world. Be a New York Times’ bestselling author, which requires going through traditional publishing.
I’ve definitely thought about self-publishing, and the economics of that make amazing sense, but my dream of writing books isn’t just about money. It’s about seeing my name in a bookstore and having a more traditional career.
Maybe going to the Hay House event, I’ll find they expect certain things, compromises that I’m not willing to make. That could very well happen because I will never sacrifice authenticity to create an image to achieve some arbitrary goal.
I am nervous about going to the event and finding out the book industry is like the music industry, with packaged stars given all the hits. But unless I go, I’ll never know. I have to follow my dream and let it take me wherever it takes me.
The whole reason I started my blog was to grow a platform for a book deal, and I’ve been patiently working towards this and asking for guidance while also figuring out how to monetize everything, which has honestly taken up most of my time for the past three years.
Ah, such big dreams while also sinking into the knowing that I am good enough right now. To have faith that life will take me where I’m meant to go, and also to feel perfectly at peace with whatever the outcome is, while taking massive action even when it feels crazy.
This is the dichotomy, yes?
To love ourselves now while chasing big dreams.
To be present now and enjoy our lives now, to savor the journey, while holding space for the bigger vision.
To be patient, so patient, like a lion watching its prey, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.
To know the universe is waiting to guide us brilliantly to create everything we want. The irony is we think we must sacrifice ourselves to create extraordinary lives, but the real truth is —
As soon as we drop in and savor the moment, truly appreciate who, what and where we are right now, everything unfolds in the most beautiful way.
We don’t get what we desire by fighting against the current, fighting ourselves and life itself.
We create our deepest, most heartfelt desires, that have been placed BY the universe in our hearts, by tuning in, surrendering, caring for and loving ourselves right now, and asking for guidance.
The universe WANTS us to feel both nourished and successful, to have a big impact and experience deep pleasure and joy.
The more we take care of ourselves, the more doors easily and effortlessly open.
And when one door closes, another door ALWAYS opens.
I’m not sure why taking care of myself feels so difficult sometimes, but I find it fascinating the very first step I take toward caring for myself deeply and completely also ends up leading me to a big step forward for my ultimate vision of world-wide, mega impact.
Whatever your dreams are, I wish you deep patience, persistence, fortitude and the willingness to become obsessed, but not at the expense of your wellbeing, health and wellness.
Too many entrepreneurs burn themselves out because while social media portrays an image of glitz, glamour and laptop life, the reality of building an online business is a sometimes grueling effort that will require you to dig deeper than you ever have before.
If you’re not willing to get obsessed, put the time in and do the inner work to become unstoppable, don’t even begin. That’s not meant to be cruel. It’s just an absolute truth.
Entrepreneurship is definitely having a moment, but this path isn’t for everyone. In fact, I don’t think it’s for most people.
You need an INSANE amount of persistence. You must be OBSESSED. You must be willing to reprogram your mind, face all your deepest fears, doubts, pains and wounds.
You must be willing to fall down, get absolutely bloody, and then get back and start walking again like nothing ever happened.
Maybe some others have an easier time of it, but this has been my experience.
It’s fucking insane.
But I’ve always held the vision. Always known I have a message that needs to be shared. Always held the faith deep down in my heart that the opportunities will come, and luck is inevitable when you become the relentless person who just doesn’t. give. up.
Be the patient lion, at once magnificent and eternally patient, knowing you are strong and magnificent and oh-so capable.
Your moment is coming. And the deeper truth is, it’s already here.
What do you value so much that you’d spend forever working toward it?
Let me know in the comments below. And if this blog helped you feel inspired, I’d love if you shared it with a friend or on social media. Thank you!
All the love,
PS — Are you ready to dive in, connect to your larger vision, clear away all the doubts and fears holding you back, and plunge boldly into the next chapter of your life?
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