My mind has been blown. A core wound so deep that it subconsciously controlled my entire life has been illuminated. In many ways, I knew this intellectually. But that’s the spiritual journey, to know something and over time, feel it on a cellular level.
That’s when healing happens.
I feel simultaneously free and broken open. Like I’ve lost my mind and totally found it. I have a chance to start again.
For a long time, I’ve struggled with things that many ambitious people struggle with — hard-to-find work/life balance that too often teeters on the edge of more work less life.
Too much technology. Even when I tried to cut back, my unconscious tendencies soon out-won all good intentions.
An ambition so strong that sometimes I find myself wanting things not because I really want them, but because I wanted to prove that I can achieve it.
And then there were the vestiges of my dark earlier years that continued to taint my life. This I knew, but not how deeply.
After my dad and sister died, I fell into a deep isolation, a core wound that continues to affect my life today.
Those years damaged my relationship with my mom, and this relationship continues to be complicated.
We haven’t spoken in a few years. She loves me, I know she does, but our relationship is not a healthy one. We bring out the worst in each other.
I spent a long time eagerly sharing the spiritual lessons I’d learned with her, hoping that she would apply them to her own life, envisioning that our relationship would heal and deepen.
But the fights, the tension and emotional distance, continued.
Eventually I realized I can’t force other people to do inner work.
I set boundaries to preserve the peaceful, happy life I’ve created for myself. But the dysfunctional energy of this effort remained.
The dysfunctional me who feels responsible for helping other people heal. This core wound energy feels crazy. Exhausting. I always end up in burnout, trying to push and inject life into things that sometimes feel like a dead fish.
I’ve come a long way. I have. I pay attention to my body’s warning signs much more readily. I’ve cut back on technology. I’ve made improvements, but there was some underlying tether that kept me chained to sabotaging habits that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to break.
And then came the epiphany. I uncovered my core wound.
I’m not sure how. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work. Reading about the chakras more. Deepening my spiritual journey.
And the pattern became blindingly clear.
Of all things I latched onto, this idea of feeling and healing your emotions, it was no accident. It began as something interesting to write about, but soon felt like a heavy responsibility.
And now I see: It wasn’t just my clients who I needed to help heal. It was my mother.
That’s why nothing I did ever felt like enough. Why I couldn’t stop working. Why I kept ending up in burnout and exhaustion.
It wasn’t because I cared, although I do. It was because there was a part of me who thought that if I could help the world heal, I could receive the nurturing I longed for, but never received.
But now the unconscious has been made conscious. I knew this desire will never be realized. It’s okay. I’m whole on my own. Everything is perfect as it is.
It’s time to let go.
Time to feel the pain of that absence and let go so I can be free.
Ever since the realization of this core wound, it’s amazing how quickly I’ve made changes that I’ve struggled with for so long. I shut my phone off all weekend. Stopped stressing out whether my course going on right now was good enough.
I prioritized yoga on Monday over finishing this blog.
I’m setting boundaries and shifting energetically to create an entirely different kind of life.
What kind of life? I’m not sure yet, but before this all happened, I hired a new coach and the timing is impeccable. I’m so excited to receive support to create a life that truly serves me, my soul, my deepest longings, and not the unrelenting demands of an unhealed psyche.
In my early 20s, I got a tattoo — one of those tramp stamp things on my lower back. It’s in Sanskrit, even though I was a party girl back then who wanted nothing to do with yoga or meditation. I didn’t even know Sanskrit was the language of yoga.
The tattoo means, “constant change,” As in, the only thing constant is change.
Even back then, I knew that nothing stays the same. It’s our human fears and desire to control that causes our life force energy to freeze up. When we force things to continue after they’ve stopped working.
The funny thing is that when we force things to keep working after they stop, we block the chance for something better to come through.
This is what makes us feel trapped. When we’re not brave enough to embrace change and instead cling to what’s no longer working.
But this is bigger than simple fear or courage. This is a soul’s journey, a path that I believed was chosen before I was born. An opportunity to transcend karma and embody universal love. To rise up tall and take up space.
I’ve never been afraid of change, always welcomed it.
I love when things that no longer work are destroyed, creating space for the new. I’ve always hoped beyond what’s reasonable that I would live an amazing life. That all my dreams would come true, even when I didn’t know what my dreams were.
That’s how I feel right now, after healing this core wound. I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. I don’t even know who I am right now. My entire life has been based on a wound that isn’t mine to hold.
But now that the unconscious has been made conscious, I am free.
I can create whatever kind of life I want to.
And you better believe. It’s going to be amazing.
All the love,
P.S. I’ve been playing with the law of attraction lately. I used to keep my dreams close to my chest thinking that talking about things that hadn’t come true would sabotage their chances.
But the law of attraction says you should talk about it. That naming it is part of setting the manifesting energies in motion.
So here is my dream: I desire to travel the world having spiritual experiences and writing about it.
After graduating college, I wanted to travel the world, do crazy stuff and write about it. But I soon gave up on that idea and got a journalism job because I thought it was time to grow up.
I’ve been wanting to travel for so long. At first it wasn’t possible, and then I didn’t allow myself to receive the possibility.
But today I’m ready to name it and claim it. It’s mine.
What desire are you ready to name? What are you ready to believe in?
Share in the comments below.
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