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September 18, 2017

The surest sign a thing could change your life

The other day I had the startling realization that everything in my life I’ve resisted the most has also changed my life the most.

 

First, there was kundalini yoga.

After cancer, I was losing my mind and rabidly angry. I’d literally lose my shit in restaurants and grocery stores over nothing. My now-husband would whisper, “People are staring,” and I’d glare at him. “I. Don’t. Care.”

Not many people know this but the worst part of cancer is actually after treatment.

(Read How to get your groove back after your soul is crushed.)

It’s like a war ended and only then do you have the time and emotional capacity to survey the wreckage of your life, your body, your mind.

The proper social-worker term is “finding your new normal,” but let me tell you there’s nothing normal about finishing cancer treatment.

I was bald, boobless (implants yeah, but they’re not the same), and so deep inside the hole of my suffering that all I wanted to do was run away.

This desire to run away was nothing new in my life. It was my coping mechanism.

But this time couldn’t. For life reasons, I had to stay.

Somehow I discovered kundalini yoga, and although there were times I’d literally storm out of the room during one of the exercises, always skipping the post-practice meditations, slowly the practice changed my life.

During one DVD, there was a part that involved spinning around in circles, arms stretched to the sides like a bird, and the teacher joyfully said, “wherever you go, beauty follows and healing happens.”

I remember wearing a pale pink turban with remnants of lost hair stuck in the threads, feeling like an alien, out of my body, out of my mind, but when the teacher said those words, I believed it.

I wanted it to be true, and I told myself, one day, I would heal myself and uplift people with my very presence.

 

The second thing was not being able to move.

About a year after cancer, I moved from this little town in Central Arizona where I worked as a newspaper reporter to the Phoenix Valley.

My now-husband’s family was from there, and although we talked about moving to California or Colorado, the Valley was easy. It was 2009, the economy was crashing, everyone was losing their minds, and Phoenix was close by.

A couple years later, guess what? I wanted to leave again.

I hated Arizona. I mean, despised. I never planned to live there, it just kind of happened, and living there seemed like one more thing that I didn’t have control over.

But my husband didn’t even want to talk about moving. He would not budge.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to move and there was no end in sight.

I spent probably a couple years living in utter resistance, feeling so sorry for myself, like I just got done fighting cancer and all I wanted was to be happy.

And then one day I realized, life is too short to be miserable. For a long time, I knew that — life is too short to be miserable, but always followed it up with, “so I should move now.”

But my suffering grew too great and I realized that no. If life is too short to be miserable, then I should stop feeling that way. I wanted to move to California so I could be happy, so I should just let go of needing California to be happy and be happy here. Now.

My new mantra became, “If I can be happy here, I can be happy anywhere.”

It led to a beautiful time of spiritual surrender and exploration. A time that truly changed my life.

 

And that leads to the third thing — meditation.

I never really share this experience, but one late night/early morning during chemo,  my whole body ached. So I went into the living room to stretch.

This is before I considered myself a yogi, but knew a few postures.

Feeling a little out of my mind, right there, in the pre-dawn dark, a voice boomed in my head. “You must meditate.”

I think it was the voice of God. It was loud and it was scary, and being the rebel that I am, of course I didn’t listen.

I couldn’t sit still for anything. I’d been running from myself my whole life. I’d lived in seven states in three years, didn’t have the patience to write a blog or a book like I’d always wanted, couldn’t even keep a job for longer than a few years.

I knew I was smart and wasting my potential and that killed me — almost did quite literally with cancer — but I was full of so much pain and sadness that I couldn’t sit with myself.

Somehow I understood that if I was going to write, if I was going to find happiness, then I had to meditate.

It took me four years to begin. Four years, and I started with one little minute.

Even then, I stared at my cell phone timer the whole time. It hurt. It felt horrible.

But I kept showing up. And over time, I came home to myself. I was guided to a way to sit with my emotions to dissolve them. (That I now teach.)

 

And those three three things turned me from an absolute mess to who I am today.

Which is not a perfect person. But I’m so proud of myself. I have a devoted spiritual practice through which I show up for myself, feel my pain and work to embody my true self.

I remember the love. I speak kindly to myself. My relationships have improved since I feel more at peace.

And you know, some days, I even feel like what that yoga teacher said is true — wherever you go, healing happens and beauty follows.

Some days my insides feel so light and bright and full of good vibes that I feel my heart extending out to everyone I meet.

It’s not every day, but those days inspire me to continue the work of embodying my true self at all times. To keep showing up and to keep trying.

Because if I can learn to sit with myself, then so can you.

If your heart tells you that meditation is the next step for you, then you should listen. Not to me, but to your heart.

Enter your email below to download the meditation technique I was guided to that helped me heal, connect to my true self, and find the path toward becoming who I’m meant to be.

And remember —

Love hard, live free,

Suzanne

This powerful meditation technique will teach you how to love your crazy and live your life.

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jan - September 19, 2017 Reply

Suzanne…. where to even begin. Yes, to everything you write. Yes, the same thing happened to me with the meditation. Yes, I am showing up for myself. Yes, I resist. Yes, I have chosen a path rife with suffering. Yes, my own strength and recognition of strength sometimes cripples me. Yes, my heart bursts out of my body some days with joy and gratitude. Yes, I am always trying to make my ego my friend. Yes, I am isolating myself as I guide my soul out of the dark night. Yes, I ride the pendulum swing between love and hate over every bit of it. Yes, yes, yes. (see my positivity?)

Thank you for you.

    Suzanne - September 19, 2017 Reply

    Hi Jan! Wow! We are like the same person, haha. Thank you so much for commenting! Glad you’re here!

    xoxo,
    Suzanne

Kristin G - September 19, 2017 Reply

Thanks for the inspiration!

    Suzanne - September 19, 2017 Reply

    Hi Kristin,

    So glad it resonated with you! Thank you for commenting!

    Lots of love,
    Suzanne

Susan Hetrick - September 19, 2017 Reply

Thank you for this! Even though I am happy, i am so stuck in resistance. I know it. I also have that urge to run away, but am also fighting the urge to just procrastinate, or take a nap, or numb out….and resisting putting my spiritual practices into practice!
Thanks for the encouragement.

    Suzanne - September 19, 2017 Reply

    Glad it resonated Susan! Definitely hard to go within when resistance strikes, but I know you can do it! <3

    Suzanne

Laura - September 20, 2017 Reply

Hey Suzanne,
I just recently found your website, through a pinterest-pin about emotional healing. I am recovering from a depression and waiting for the antideprs to work. At first they work counterwise, my complaints became worse. I am struggling with the med process I’m going to and how to interpretate your theory on feeling through the emotions. As maybe the meds are causing these extreme emotions, do you think they are healing anyway? I am allowed to take extra meds against anxiety, do you think I should take them when my fear is to big too handle? I’m bipolar, and I don’t know how to combine meds with spiritual healing. Can you please help me? Thank you so much.

    Suzanne - September 23, 2017 Reply

    Hi Laura,

    Sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. I’m guessing you have unhealed trauma and haven’t felt your feelings?

    Unfortunately, I’m not a doctor and can’t advise what you do regarding medication. I don’t actually believe in medication.

    This is a big conversation and not one I can really have on the blog! If you’d like to reach out and apply for personal mentoring, feel free to email me at Suzanne@SuzanneHeyn.com.

    You’d also find my courses really healing and wonderful. Many people have said they’re more powerful than therapy.

    Lots of love,
    Suzanne

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