What’s holding you back?
What would be different in your life right now if you loved yourself deeply and completely?
What would you no longer tolerate?
What would you ask for?
What long-forgotten dream would you resuscitate from the ashes, buried there because you…
Forgot who you were and what mattered.
Gave up pieces of yourself in hopes of receiving external love and validation.
The lost love that hurts the most is the love we needed the most.
Often from our parents, friends who were like blood, those moments when we open our hearts to life only for life to stab us in the heart, and leave us broken.
Or so we think.
Writing this I’m remembered of that saying, “They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.”
But this blog isn’t about being a seed, or even being buried, but rising from the ashes, connecting to the knowing deep within that you are good enough, and truly asking — how would life be different if that wasn’t even a question?
It’s about identifying what’s holding you back and removing it, at the root.
In my journal just now, writing about my purpose, the plan for my life which I somehow received in college, while relentlessly trying to figure out what to do with my life, layers unraveled to reveal a painfully grounded truth.
I knew I liked to write, and liked to ask questions. I was always interested in mysticism, Eastern Philosophy and the nature of life.
I considered becoming a psychologist, but a long sordid history with psychiatrists and one college-level abnormal psychology class sent me running in the other direction — although to be honest, I really wanted to avoid statistics. Journalism it was.
I’m not sure of the exact moment, or if this memory is even real, but one day while sitting in a writing-for-magazines class, the epiphany came:
I want to travel the world, do crazy things and write about it.
Maybe for magazines. Maybe in books. Maybe one day there will be a movie about my life.
Maybe one day I’ll be interesting enough to have a movie made about my life, thought the girl who spent most of her time either sad and alone or drunk and the life of the party (or so she thought).
Each semester in college was a battle. I wanted to drop out, but felt terrified about my prospects without a degree, and felt insulated by the collegiate world of classes and papers and thirsty Thursdays.
I dreamed about running away to California to become an actress, but also felt deep down that wasn’t my destiny.
In those days I was a terrible slacker. Did as little as I could to earn good grades, and I’ve always been smart so good grades with little effort were never a problem.
I truly had high hopes for journalism. It seemed like a cool career. I liked the idea of writing for magazines, and being an interesting person who did interesting things with other interesting people.
It was a good dream, even if it wasn’t my dream. For the moment, I could pretend.
Then the time for truth came. Graduation. Would I do what all my friends did and find jobs in the city? Keep going to happy hour after a long day of work, excited to get home and rip off the tight and uncomfortable costume of the cared-for office worker?
Or would I follow my heart, risk the gap on my resume, move someplace wild, and see what the wide open world had in store for me?
I knew that if I chose the safe route, I would always wonder what if. I knew I’d never be happy being normal. No matter how much I wanted to pretend, I knew deep in my heart I was meant for big things.
So I leapt, moved to Hawaii, worked on a farm and lived in a tent. (After receiving universal guidance through license plates, but that’s another story.)
Maui was life-changing. Healed my heart in the best possible way. I stayed for five months, but —
When I got home, everything changed.
My mother and I got into a fight. She screamed at me — “Why can’t you be normal?” while stomping her foot on the ground in a total temper tantrum.
Confused, disoriented, feeling abandoned, rejected, I walked out of the house and to a friend’s two towns away.
It felt like the essence of me had been chewed up and regurgitated in my face. Not good enough. Wrong. Bad. Unworthy. My heart still hurts just thinking about it.
One year later, I got a journalism job.
Three years later, I got cancer.
Coincidence? I think not.
Because when you don’t live life as your true self, first your soul cries, and then your body dies.
The deeper pains within us, they weave themselves throughout our entire being until they become part of who we think we are.
Even if we don’t consciously remember a specific incident, these painful memories keep us from living authentic, free and soulful lives all while we wonder — what’s holding you back?
Eventually, I found my way. Started my blog. Discovered my “life purpose” — sharing my spiritual journey with the world. But did I?
I thought my original dream was cute. Something little 25-year-old Suzanne longed for. But of course now, as a married woman, with a nice couch and a husband and a dog, I couldn’t possibly do that, especially with a husband and dog who don’t like to travel.
What a cute dream! What a cute idea little Suzanne once had. In another life. Married women don’t do things like that. Women in their 30s, they should be more practical! An online business is wild enough. Don’t you know your place?
(These are all voices in my head, by the way. Everyone currently in my life does nothing but support me. People who don’t support me have no place in my life.)
And actually — no.
I don’t know my place.
I don’t know where these silly rules came from. (Are these so-called rules what’s holding you back?)
It’s time to discard them one by one. To release what’s holding you back and find freedom.
I’ve come to this place before. Maybe have even written about it.
I will travel the world! Have spiritual experiences! And write about them! Have a movie made after my life. It will be fabulous. F-a-b-u-l-o-u-s dahling.
Each time, I feel so good at my declaration, this bold personal vow. And then — crickets.
Invisible things. These are my inner blocks. What’s holding you back?
Maybe a trip to Bali, where nothing cool was planned, so I ended up having an immensely healing experience yes, but did I do interesting things with interesting people and write about it?
No. I sat in a self-created cocoon, did yoga, and bawled my eyes out while doing deep inner child healing. Necessary? Totally. It got me here.
But what got me here won’t get me there.
Always new layers to reveal. New discoveries about what’s holding you back.
Journaling just now, asking myself about what I’m afraid to lose if I follow my purpose, my true purpose, which is to travel the world, have spiritual experiences, and share this inner journey with other ambitious free spirits, to inspire and illuminate your soul’s evolution.
And in the process, sure I’ll become one of the most widely known bloggers on the internet, a famous spiritual teacher even, one who helps the world’s most inspiring people connect to their souls and live purposeful, aligned lives — but that is a byproduct of doing my purpose work.
And if I’m not living on purpose, how can I create the impact that I’m meant to?
Going deeper — what is keeping me from living my purpose?
The fear. Sure, I can go and do anything I want.
But will I be worthy of love when I come back?
Will I lose everything I now rely on, as my cocoon of safety? The love and support that I’ve come to cherish so deeply. Am I willing to sacrifice my soul’s true desires to receive this love?
Because if the love I currently have in my life is the result of me sacrificing my soul desires (which I don’t believe it is), then it’s not real authentic love.You will never experience authentic love until you live as your authentic self. Click To Tweet
I will never live the life I’m meant to, until I live the life I’m meant to. It’s up to me.
Or all out.
There is no halfway.
So what is the next step?
To do the damn thing. Book a trip. Go all in. Stop waiting. Live the life I’m meant for.
Losing things outside of you isn’t the thing to fear. You can’t lose anything that’s really yours. And all that’s really yours, is your soul. Your purpose. Your heart, and passion.
The more you trade your soul for things that were never going to fill you up anyway — outside validation, approval, the hope of a freakin’ piece of candy after the losing yourself in the pain — the more you die.
You can always come back to life. Stop giving power away to what’s holding you back.
It’s never too late to start living the life you were meant to, the life you were born for.
But why wait another day? Why live in purgatory when you were born to bask in the pleasure of being you?
I’m going all in. Are you?
I can’t wait to bring you along for the ride!
By the way, this resonated with you, share this article on social media or comment your thoughts below!
All the love,
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